> jumping into life.

« Home | hey folks:i lost my cellphone, which is the only p... » | i've been spending my sundays out hiking: easter, ... » | wednesday, finally, thank god. wednesday means csa... » | some fourteen hours straight, minus forty-five min... » | no great tradgedy, no fallen stars. just a lot of ... » | happy birthday, dragoneyes. i'll be drinking in yo... » | home again, in my parents' crazy house, my sibling... » | i have been vacillating between being ridiculously... » | when i don't wear deodorant for a few days, my sme... » | thick dark clouds bubbling at the southern horizon... » 

4.15.2005 

i don't know how many times i wrote it, when i was doing all that writing last year, but today for some reason it hit me viscerally like it hadn't before: i'm not perfect. i am the opposite of perfect. i am flawed, and struggling, and falling, and failing. i hurt people. i am selfish. i don't mean this to be a self-deprecating monologue, just a raising of my hands - not to avoid responsibility, but to say, look, really, i'm doing the best i can. right now i can't see any way to live my life that doesn't hurt people sometimes; right now i don't know how to say no to love when i taste its promise. right now, i can't always unwind my desires enough to make the right decision. i can't always make the right decision. so i'm sorry. i'm not perfect, but i am trying.