i smushed the front of my car. i'm fine, though the car isn't so much.


for just a moment, i thought i was going to die.


i'm glad i didn't.

i'm getting better at asking for what i want, rather than just hinting and hoping that somebody will figure it out. in fact, i'm becoming more aware of my emotions and motivations in general and therefore more able to respond appropriately to things, or rather, more able to understand why i'm acting the way i am and decide if that's the way i want to respond to the situation. yesterday i essentially refused to do the dishes when my mom asked me to, and for no apparent reason was really annoyed about having been asked to do them. afterwards i realized that i'd been frustrated at work because my coworker wasn't doing anything resembling her share of the work that had to be done, and as a result i wasn't able to be as confident as i usually am. we had complaints about the how long the food was taking, which is entirely out of my control, and that made it worse. i ended up feeling like i was doing more than i should have to in an effort to make everything run smoothly. i went from there to my second job, where i had missed an important meeting the day before, and where i'm in the process of preparing to leave, which is stressful in itself. there was traffic on the drive back, and when i got home my brother was watching a basketball game with my mom, who asked me to do the dishes, and i just didn't want to do one more thing that somebody else should have already done. not that understanding it makes me feel different, but at least i understand. today i was mopey and annoyed and unsatisfied, and then realized that i knew exactly what was wrong and exactly what would fix it. so i asked for those things from the people who could give them to me, and they did, and now i'm happy. horray.

all i can say is, it's about goddamn time. and also: yay! congratulations to everyone involved.

the ocean has been really dark lately, in a strange way where it doesn't seem to have any relationship to the cerulean sky above it. there are lots of whitecaps but few waves; the wind throws the cypresses around and spoils otherwise incredibly warmbeautiful days. all in all it makes me edgy, and there's an odd little knot of uncomfortable energy just below my solar plexus that i feel certain will go away as soon as the sea turns back to the color it's supposed to be.


but we went to the beach yesterday to rockstack for a while, on the wrong side of one of our favorite beaches because there was a (very smelly) dead seagull on the better side. for a bit over an hour we barely spoke, just concentrating on our little balancing acts. the silence was interrupted once when i dropped a (very large) rock on my foot, but aside from that all we had was the sound of the waves and the gulls. towards the end, the light began to fade and we sat back on the sand to survey our creations. most of mine were smallish, two or three rocks, where he had some bigger and more complicated ones. i was proud of mine, though. i'd been in a very specific stacking mood, and nearly all of them involved some very unlikely-looking arrangements of largish rocks balanced on small points. afterwards, i felt - as i always do - more centered and balanced myself. we watched an otter playing in the cove, spinning and splashing the water with his tail, and i felt somehow that he would approve. the sun slid its way down and eventually shone right in our eyes, which we took as the cue to go get some coffee.


then last night i danced and danced in my bare, bruised feet on the concrete floor, letting music seep through me, trying to let guilt and fear and worry slide out of my fingertips and down through my toes and away. i slept hard last night, bright swirling dreams, and woke slowly this morning.


tomorrow, my mom is going to the hospital for a brochoscopy to (hopefully) figure out what's wrong with her lungs (and some other things). maybe the water will clear a bit when that's done.

so then.


at prescott i can have my own apartment, can drive home but can get everywhere else on bike, can leave and go to other campuses (namely, these two) for up to two nonconsecutive semesters if i hate it (or even if i don't) and will probably go here as well for at least four weeks. they are affiliated with two organic farms and have a robust csa and a farmer's market. the weather is relatively mild all year and there is hiking about two miles off. the grand canyon is a weekend trip and a one-way ticket home is less than a hundred dollars.


at warren wilson, i can live in the middle of some damned gorgeous mountains, a twenty-minute bus ride from asheville which has more awesome veggie restaurants than i quite know what to do with. hiking and farming are both available on-campus. there is an amazing international program which i may or may not be eligible for. there is spring and snow.


both programs are really fantastic. both places really appeal to me. i need to decide pretty much yesterday. help!

happy 21st birthday to me!