here's about me and responsibility: when i feel competent about something, i am more than willing (and in fact, sometimes embarrassingly eager) to be responsible for it. if i feel i am more competent that the person currently performing said task, i tend to get antsy and even pushy until i am given control. i love being in charge of things i know how to do - swimming lessons, basic gardening stuff, bookbinding, grocery shopping and feeding the dogs even. it pleases me to have control over things i can adequately and effectively control, especially when that means that i'm making someone else's life easier/better. at work, this includes everything having anything to do with the register or the espresso bar. it does not include ordering produce, coffee, aprons, and sodas, or explaining to my co-workers why their tips are so low this week. those things lie outside my realm of comfort and competency, which brings us to point number two: if i do not feel competent in what i'm doing, i am absolutely terrified of holding a position of responsibility. babysitting falls under this category, as does most of the entirety of my other job (in which i always felt like i was just playing at being a grown up event planner and would sooner or later be found out for what i was: just a girl with really good organizational skills and enough cleverness to get me by).


so for the past three days i've essentially been the manager at work, a job for which i've not been trained. it isn't anything i'm not capable of doing, it's just all new and i'm not sure i know everything that's supposed to be done. when the coffee guys came by to see why we hadn't ordered anything this week, i felt panicked all out of proportion to the situation. i could see how much coffee we had left, and i have a pretty good idea of how much we go through... but i don't know, i didn't know with certainty what to do and i really very much hate that a lot.


accordingly, these past few days have been way more stressful than they should have been. getting up at six when i'm used to ten doesn't help, nor does a ten-hour day and the resulting fact that i didn't get to see matt hardly at all this week. we spent my two-hour break between shifts just sitting on the grass yesterday, and that little bit of warm quiet was better than all the espresso i'd had all day. today i'm taking a nap before going back, i plan to drink a ton of tequila saturday night, and sunday i expect i won't get out of bed all day unless it's to walk to the market for strawberries. hopefully next week my schedule will go back usual and i'll remember to wear my comfy shoes.