my essay is up, even though i doubt they could have gotten my contract yet. maybe just knowing it's in the mail is good enough. just knowing my check is in the mail is small consolation, since it'll arrive after i leave.


i leave today. in less than nine hours.


last night i realized that i was never afraid of leaving before because i never had any reason to think that i'd be anything but fine and happy wherever i was. but i wasn't fine, or happy, in philadelphia, and now i'm afraid i'll never be happy anywhere, and more specifically afraid that i'll be unhappy there. right now i'm so nervous i could puke. but i won't, because i'm wearing the only clean clothes i don't have packed, and one thing i don't need is to arrive smelling like puke.


there's an internet cafe a few minutes' walk from the school, and i imagine i'll make my way there once a week or so to check my mail, and write a bit here. i'm bringing a bigass journal and i'll probably be sending stuff to the doj's "distant views" section, so look over there every once in a while too. i'm trying to have as few expectations as possible, which is fairly easy because i have no idea what to expect. i've got one suitcase and my backpack, a dictionary, some neruda, two 800 minute phone cards, and more nervous energy than i can comfortably sit still with.


leaving! leaving today! today today goodbye!