i've been so full in my body lately, feeling like i am bursting out of my skin with potential, walking fast and swinging my hips like i used to. but today i felt awkward in myself, then drove for hours, and crumpled out of my car with aching eyes, aching shoulders, a sharp pain in my knee moving up my thigh and last night's tequila still in the back of my throat. i'm leaving in a week, and the rest of forever seems to tumble impossibly fast after.


my mom refers to my "collectible men," as though i put a notch on my garter belt with every heart i break. silke thinks i'm going to lose myself in the game, the flirting pheromone dance, and that i'll miss the real thing when it comes along. but here's the thing, and a real one: jason is the only person in this entire world that i can believe loves me absolutely and fully, as i am, and not (at least in part) as some construct of desire or need. and i left him in philadelphia because that wasn't enough to keep me sane, let alone happy. also because i can believe that this particular love doesn't need to be constantly reminded to continue, that i will be able to return to it in a year's time or three, and find it whole. in the meantime, i left because i needed to learn myself in new contexts - physically, emotionally, geographically. i don't think i could be doing any of this if i didn't feel so essentially grounded in who and where i am now. my bravery doesn't extend to wandering without a home to come back to in the end. i have the ocean, and i have him. maybe i'm assuming too much, but i feel like between those two, i can go anywhere in the world and do anything i feel i ought, and i will never be lost.